My deepest condolences to Donald Trump on the occasion of John McCain’s funeral. Mr Trump wasn’t invited, you see. Everyone else was: Presidents Obama, W Bush and Clinton. But not Sarah Palin (who has only ever been gracious about her former running mate) and not Donald Trump (who was very rude about him). With Trump out of the picture, the rest of the establishment was free to let rip on the President in a way that reminded me of Fr Ted name-checking priests in his award speech. “And now we move on to liars…”

Funerals are not just about the person being buried: the living hijack them. One difficult memory is the funeral of a woman who loved Wagner, Bruckner and Brahms. Her daughter insisted the coffin was lowered to a song by Elvis. Worse: she sang along to it. Was this revenge? Not at all, it’s just that without the deceased being around to supervise, we take control of the arrangements and tend to make it more about us.

Eulogies often go down this path. My eulogy for my father wasn’t so much about his life as it was about our strained relationship – a case of getting things off my chest while he was in no position to answer back. The service was incredibly religious (Baptist) because that’s what my mother wanted. I selected the hymns. In the end, I think this all worked out rather well because if dad had been left in charge he’d have been buried with his guitar or something. And there’s no way we could’ve afforded Rod Stewart to play at the reception.

My father had down-to-earth tastes; the McCains are the epitome of the American WASP elite. Watching the late Senator’s funeral, it was obvious we were watching a last rites of a dying class – marked by public service, church, military and politics, all the things that McCain dedicated himself to. But even within this elite, there is generational change. His daughter, Meghan, gave a powerful eulogy full of poetry and raw anger. She said that her father, who had been tortured as a POW in Vietnam and died of brain cancer, “bore it all with the stoic silence that was once the mark of an American man”. She’s right: American men now emote and curse and insult, just like Donald Trump. But where was Meghan’s stoic silence? I’m not blaming her for weeping – I asked someone else to read my father’s eulogy in case I broke down doing it – but as the camera moved about the cathedral, I noticed Cindy McCain, John’s wife, sitting perfectly still in a black dress and pearls, composed and apparently unmoved. That is WASP elegance, and money can’t buy it.

Catholics do funerals well because there is order, a focus on Christ and, most importantly, stoic silence. There’s been a tendency in recent years to do like the Protestants do and have lots of pop music or long speeches, and I know that’s what the mourners might want, and I know they yearn to express themselves a particular way – but priests must rein them in. Better to sit and pray and let the dead, through memory, speak for themselves.

…….

​How to continue reading…

This article appears in the Catholic Herald magazine - to read it in full subscribe to our digital edition from just 30p a week

The Catholic Herald is your essential weekly guide to the Catholic world; latest news, incisive opinion, expert analysis and spiritual reflection